The Cutting Room Floor
by clueless in seattle
Summary: Chapter 19..mysterious stains have appeared...I wonder what caused them?
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them is motivated only by my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ These stories are not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretch the limits of that and totally suspend the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…of course you can butter my parsnips any time…just don't forget to peel and roast them first)_

_**This is a collection of "out-takes" from stories and my odder thoughts that never made it into them, which I kept or jotted down…a kind of "blooper reel" re-worked into **_**"Drabble"**_** format…short moments we can all live to regret…**_

_**BED BUGS**_

"I hope my snoring won't keep you awake"

"You don't snore Goren" said Eames. She giggled softly. "Not according to Gina in Personnel"

There was a long silence in the Major Case _"crib"_ where they had been ordered to get some sleep.

"You know about that?" he muttered just glad the darkness would hide his blush.

"Half the building does. So would the other half but I've been busy this week"

Goren turned over with deliberate, clumsy energy on the top bunk. It shook violently, rattled and creaked ominously. Served Eames right. And for taking dibs on the lower one.

_**FALLEN ANGEL**_

Goren poked the keypad carefully. If he got the number wrong this time the ATM would retain his card. His poor facility for remembering number sequences was a carefully hidden secret.

This time he got it right. Too right. He yelped softly as the machine began to disgorge hundreds of dollars.

When it stopped and returned the card he put it back in. Checked his balance. It had only been debited the hundred bucks he asked for.

He glanced round checking for CCTV cameras. Seeing none he gathered the bills, folded them into his pocket and walked away. Whistling casually.

_**NO FIRE WITHOUT SMOKE**_

Everyone at 1PP hurried down the stairs to evacuate the building. Outside, _The Major Case Squad_ all stood together, soaking wet.

It was something of a clue on which floor the smoke detectors and sprinklers had been activated. The guy in charge of building security marched over.

"So which of you was smoking in the rest rooms?"

"None of us" dripped Deakins.

"It was his fault" nodded Eames trying to wring her shirt.

Goren flapped his soggy jacket "You lit all the candles on my cake Eames"

"Didn't expect you to have the breath to blow that many out Bobby"

_**LOVE HURTS**_

"How many more times do I have to say it Alex?" sighed Bobby. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to happen. The last thing I wanted was to hurt you"

Her look at him was unreadable. "I guess not. And I blame myself too. I should never have let myself get so close to you Bobby"

Goren looked so miserable Eames almost began to feel sorry for him. He quit pacing, leaned against the wall and stared guiltily down at his feet.

"Good news Detective" said the doc waving the x ray at her "Your toes are bruised not broken"

_**THE FIRST TIME EVER I…**_

After twenty minutes Goren was regretting that in the boredom of stakeout duty he and Eames had got onto the topic of _"virginity"_. Or more accurately the loss of it. She'd given him far more vivid detail than he wanted to hear or he ever intended to share.

Finally she said "Your turn Bobby".

Doubting even he could convince her he was still saving himself for marriage, Bobby took a deep breath.

"Fifteen, Lisa Patterson, the Homecoming Dance" he muttered. "In the chemistry lab"

"And?" Alex prompted impatiently.

"And what?"

"Is that it?"

"She said that afterwards too" he hissed.

_**AN :**__** I have to go now and get my parsnips buttered…**_


	2. More From The Cutting Room Floor

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them is motivated only by my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ These stories are not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretch the limits of that and totally suspend the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…I'll butter your parsnips for you later…if you're good I might even whip the butter first)_

… _**more short moments we can all live longer to regret…**_

_**DOUBLE TAKE**_

Goren and Eames had been interrogating the doctor they suspected of murder for almost three hours. Nothing they did was working.

Finally, he seemed to snap and yelled, "I didn't kill my wife!!"

"I don't care" growled Goren.

Eames shot him a puzzled glance and the door opened on Carver.

"Please step outside Detectives" he gestured.

"What the hell was that about Goren?"

"Yes. I'd like to know that as well" said the ADA

Bobby shrugged casually "Do you know how many years I've waited for the chance to deliver that line?"

"Tommy Lee Jones was much better" muttered Eames.

_**THE LONG WAIT**_

Goren finished the crossword. "Can't you quit pacing Elliot?"

"No. How long has it been?"

"Fifty four minutes"" Bobby muttered. "And three since you last asked"

"Trust you to keep a check"

"Eh? What?" Logan woke a fraction before he fell off the chair. "Sorry. Long night"

"According to you" scoffed Elliot. "Rumour and the ladies bathroom walls say something different"

Mike glowered. "How long Bobby?"

"Doesn't matter. If our partners are not out of those changing rooms in thirty seconds George Clooney will have finished shooting scenes at 1PP"

"Beer guys?" shrugged Logan.

They left _Bloomingdales_ with malicious grins.

_**MUSICAL CHAIRS**_

Ross seemed to be going out of his way to annoy people. Changing things that didn't need changing and upsetting them in the process.

He might feel the need to prove something or demonstrate that he had a set. But his failure to consult with people was making him unpopular. The final straw for Eames came early one morning.

Ross had all the Squad Room furniture moved around overnight. It took her almost five minutes to finally locate their desks. Alex did not hesitate.

She crossed the room, burst into his office and yelled. "No-one puts Bobby in the corner!"

_**THE EVEN LONGER WAIT**_

Benson glanced at the clock on the wine bar wall. "Sure you said here at seven thirty?"

"Positive" Megan replied.

"It's not like Goren to be two hours late" said Alex anxiously. "Hope they didn't have an accident"

"If Mike did she's 25 and blonde" muttered Logan's partner.

Olivia tapped her fingers. "I reminded Elliot three times today"

"I will kill Bobby if we miss Sarah's baby shower because of them" threatened Eames.

Across the street, in a sport's bar, Logan and Stabler groaned as the _Mets _levelled bottom of the ninth.

"Extra innings" grinned Goren. "And my round guys"

_**DOUBLE, DOUBLE TAKE**_

The search for the suspect was going badly. Eames was as frustrated as the rest but Goren had suddenly started to act very strangely.

Stomping around the park and yelling orders at everyone, which was not his usual style.

"I want a search of every flop-house, fashion-house, crack-house, art-house and town-house" he barked.

Before stopping to light a large cigar and adding, "And don't forget House of Pancakes and Pizza Hut"

He walked over to her with a grin. "What do you think?"

"Still not as good as Tommy Lee Jones" Eames muttered, snatching the cigar and stomping on that.

_**AN:**__** Never mind Bobby…A for effort anyway…now I have some butter needs whipping…**_


	3. Stuck To The Cutting Room Floor

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them is motivated only by my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ These stories are not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretch the limits of that and totally suspend the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…buttered parsnips…what is this sudden obsession you have with root vegetables?)_

…_**stuck to the cutting room floor …**_

_**PLEA OF "NOT GUILTY"**_

As she drove towards IPP Alex frowned. It looked like someone had fixed paper or white sheets over a lot of the windows on the building's eleventh floor.

At the next red light and able to see better, her suspicions were confirmed. It wasn't the normal blinds and they seemed to have letters written on them.

The closer she got the clearer it became. Eventually Eames was able to see what was spelled out in letters almost four feet high.

In a familiar hand it read "IT'S NOT MINE!"

Goren really was taking the news of her pregnancy very badly.

_**PROFESSIONAL RIVALRY**_

The only witness to the murder was proving impossible for Stabler to communicate with. Young, scared and easily distractible. The limited vocabulary added to the problems and he just couldn't seem to make a bond with this little guy.

Elliot wasn't pleased when Creagan asked _Major Case_ to send Bobby Goren to see what he could do. The guy might have a reputation but not all of it was a good one.

But seeing him work was an education. Goren got them information to go on.

And left behind the peanuts he'd used to establish rapport with _"Joey"_ the parrot.

_**MICE AND MAN**_

It was one of two frustrating mysteries Goren had never been able to solve. Who it was kept stealing the balls from his computer mouse. Finally he'd given up trying and concluded there was only one option.

He arrived early to fit his new optical mouse to the system. It worked fine but the modern technology didn't have the same comforting _"weight"_ to it the old kind did.

He was just getting acquainted with the new mouse when his partner arrived.

"Morning Bobby" said Eames opening her desk drawer. With that same strange, rumbling noise Goren had often wondered about.

_**HOME TO ROOST**_

"Who is a clever Bobby then?" teased Eames gleefully.

"Very funny" muttered her partner as he returned from giving SVU some help with an unusual case.

"Yeah well perch over there and drink your coffee"

Bobby sighed. "How many days will I have to put up with this Eames?"

"Maybe a week? Depends how long it takes to get you in a flap" she sniggered. "Besides it was chance to show people what you can do. Spread your wings a little?"

"Shut up now Alex or I'll come sit on your shoulder and crap down your back" he muttered darkly.

_**UNEXPECTED WELCOME**_

"I'm just glad that you're back Eames"

It was the sixth time that week Goren had said it. Alex bathed in the warm glow of those words each time. He'd never been easy to get close to or said much about his feelings about their partnership and the friendship they had.

The ninth time he said it as they worked their latest case, Alex turned to him.

"Thanks Bobby. Did you really find Bishop so impossible to get along with?"

"Oh the sex was fantastic" he frowned, writing notes in his folder. "It was working with her drove me nuts"

_**AN :**__** See? We learn something new every day!**_


	4. Found On The Cutting Room Floor

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them is motivated only by my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ These stories are not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretch the limits of that and totally suspend the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…__couldn't you at least try to find fun things to do with turnips instead)_

…_**found on the cutting room floor…**_

_**SOUP IN THE CITY**_

Bobby pulled up and with a mutter and a wrench on her skirt Alex got into the passenger seat.

"Busy night?"

"Very funny" her teeth were close to chattering.

"Did you know the word hooker comes from General Joseph Hooker who openly recruited prostitutes to accompany his troops?"

"What else would I have been thinking about Goren?" she growled. "In a halter neck, fishnets and wearing this belt of a skirt in ten degrees below?"

Bobby recognised sarcasm.

"There's some tomato soup in that flask"

"Did you make it?"

"I did"

"Guess I had worse nights then" Eames smiled.

_**AN :**__** That's not true about the origin of the word "hooker" but I guess even Bobby isn't perfect.**_

_**LATE NIGHT AT REILLY'S**_

Ross poured more beer. "That's Horatio Caine at the bar"

"Yeah" yawned Stabler. "What brings him to New York?"

"Miami finally ran out of brunettes in distress" muttered Logan.

Stabler sniggered. "Sappy brunettes anyway"

Goren swallowed. "Ever noticed how he leans forward at about thirty degrees?"

"How much beer have you had tonight?" enquired Ross.

"No. Bobby's right. He does" said Logan "Look. It's right from his ankles too"

They all squinted across the bar.

Ross whistled. "Must have incredible tendons to keep that up"

"Or a permanent inner ear infection affects his balance" said Goren. "My round I think?"

_**WRIST ACTION**_

Eames put down her phone. "Fancy _Reilly's_ for lunch? My treat?"

"Yes. No" Bobby frowned. "I have to go buy a new watch. Mine's broken"

"How?"

"Dunno. Just suddenly stopped working" 

"Pass it over. Let me have a look at it. And wipe that _"oh yeah?"_ look off your face Goren"

He did as he was told. He was learning. And it was safer.

Alex looked and listened to the watch. She turned the winder a dozen rotations and checked it again.

She handed it back. "And for my next trick? Rocket science"

"Thanks Alex" he blushed. _"Reilly's? _On me?"

_**HELL'S KITCHEN**_

Goren almost slammed the dish on the table.

"Hope you like it" he muttered as he sat down.

"Your boeuf bourguignon is always great" said Logan ladling a small mountain onto a plate and passing it to Ross.

"And who else could produce this in the tiny squad room kitchenette Bobby?" Eames helped herself to rice.

"Huh" he still didn't sound convinced as everyone began to eat and make complimentary comments about the perfection of the flavouring.

Alex watched her partner. Goren had not been the same man or confidant cook since he discovered Gordon Ramsey had size fifteen feet.

_**TRIPLE SCORE**_

She added three tiles at the end of _"diarrhoea"_ to make _"path"_. She should have known better than to challenge his spelling of that word.

"Ten" said Bobby. "Including the double letter score? Gives you a total of 52"

With barely a hesitation he added five letters to spell _"apathetic"._

"That's double letter and word score" he frowned as he calculated. "Thirty-four"

"So you win again?"

"Uhuh" he said softly. "In every sense" 

"I hope apathetic is not how you are feeling Bobby"

"Far from it" he murmured reaching for the fastening of her bra.

They loved _"Strip Scrabble Night"_.

_**AN :**__** I have to go now…peel some parsnips and get the Scrabble board set up…of course I let Bobby win…he needs the ego boost after the Gordon Ramsey business…**_


	5. Sex On The Cutting Room Floor

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them is motivated only by my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ These stories are not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretch the limits of that and totally suspend the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…I also know what "exhibitionism" is…now stop fooling around with those carrots)_

…_**SEX?????…not really …**_

_**XY**_

"Worst thing about a female partner?" Stabler sipped his beer. "Standing outside restrooms holding their purse"

"Or their shopping" growled Logan. "It's the adjectives"

"How do you mean?" asked Goren.

"In a description. It's never _"brown boots"_ but _"fabulous Cuban heeled Cowboy boots you could die for"_. Stuff like that?"

"Uhuh" muttered Stabler. "_Or slow down Elliot. I want to see in Bloomingdale's window_"

"Why I make Eames drive. I have to go" said Goren.

He finished his drink. Rose and checked his folder. For the box of _Tampax _he'd been instructed to get when he went out lunchtime.

_**5-4-3-2-1**_

Anyone who was anyone in law enforcement in New York attended the _"New Year Ball"_ at 1PP. Afterwards, some of them went to Bobby's for more drinks.

"Did you see that huge grin on Mack Taylor's face when he left?" yawned Olivia.

Alex poured more wine. "Yeah. What was _that _all about?"

Elliot, sprawled on the floor, lifted his glass unsteadily. "Did Bobby use his tongue when he kissed either of you at midnight?"

"No!" they squealed in unison.

"Then Taylor and I both got lucky" he shrugged.

Under the table Bobby snored. Hugging the empty bottle of _Jack Daniels_.

_**MISERY**_

Goren shivered and shook, convinced he was going to die. Every part of him ached, he'd vomited and his head was pounding.

He could barely see out of eyes that were swollen and red. His nose was running like a tap. As he lay in bed he didn't dare look under the covers.

The raised welts all over his body were a scary colour last time he did that. Now they were itching.

Bobby was sure of one thing. Next time they needed to interview someone who bred cats, bloody Logan could go. He was always talking about pussies.

_**FUNCTION FAILURE**_

He turned his back and curled into a semi-foetal position too embarrassed to say anything.

Alex touched him gently "Don't worry Bobby. It happens to all guys at some time"

He didn't respond to her attempt at sympathy.

"I'll be back in a minute"

Between the door shutting and opening again he was alone. With only horror and mortification for company.

Alex tapped his hunched shoulder again.

"This will help"

She forced something into his hand.

It was a box of safety pins to hold closed his broken zipper.

"Need a hand with that Goren?"

"No thanks" he replied quickly.

_**XX**_

"Worst thing about a male partner?" Benson sipped her juice. "The _"what took so long"_ look when you leave the bathroom"

"Or the scratching" shuddered Wheeler. 

The others nodded in sympathy.

"Onions on a hot dog?" suggested Eames. "The car stinks all afternoon"

"With gassy encores" muttered Benson. "Between details of the _Yankee_ bullpen or _Mets _in your case Alex"

"No consolation. Trust me"

"Try conversation with the departmental stud muffin" hissed Wheeler. "In his dreams anyway"

"Must go" said Eames. She stood, closing her purse on the _Trojans_ she was asked to get when she went out lunchtime. Again.

_**AN:**__** I'm off to squash butternuts…gently…**_


	6. Thrown On The Cutting Room Floor

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them is motivated only by my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ These stories are not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretch the limits of that and totally suspend the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…I have no idea what buttered sugar beet tastes like and I don't want to know either)_

…_**a series of snacks thrown on the cutting room floor…**_

_**THE CHALLENGE**_

Goren and Eames regarded each other across the table with a mixture of dare and amusement.

After some thought he took two.

She watched and waited.

"Hmm" said Eames "I'll raise with three"

"You're bluffing Alex"

She shrugged. "I think this is getting a little rich now. Even for you"

Goren watched and waited as she made the raise. Eames was right. He'd passed his comfort limit some time back.

"I fold" he muttered feeling sick.

"Hah!! I win again Bobby"

Alex took the last slices of pizza from the box. Her legs must be hollow the way she ate.

_**ANOTHER FUNCTION FAILURE**_

"Lend me your tie clip Bobby" hissed Alex as she stepped from the courthouse restrooms.

He glanced up from the crossword as she stood hands on hips in front of him. Though closer observation suggested she was more clutching at them.

"Mind if I ask why?" he enquired.

"Let's just say I picked a bad day to wear a short skirt and no pantyhose" she muttered. "And without it I will be revealing more than the truth up on the stand"

Goren didn't need things spelling out to him. But he couldn't stop the grin as he handed it over.

_**IMPULSE**_

Goren grabbed her by her arms and threw her to the ground. His body covering hers and yet not uncomfortable or heavy as he pressed against her. Eames could feel hot and ragged breath in her hair.

"Why did we never do this before Bobby?" she hissed enjoying the scent of him, grass and a freshly laundered shirt.

He fumbled at his waist for a moment and there was the sound of something straining against leather before he answered.

"Because we never had some freaking maniac with an AK-47 shooting at us before Eames" he muttered pulling out his gun.

_**ARMED AND DANGEROUS**_

Goren enjoyed having a woman as a partner but as he dressed that morning he felt a fraud. To be receiving a medal for getting that homicidal maniac Kelly to surrender. Embarrassing to be the centre of attention and regarded as a hero.

And maybe one day the truth would come out that only he and Eames knew. They'd both forgotten to pack ammo into the SUV the day he needed use the damned shotgun.

Little did he know it, but the guy had given himself up under the threat of being shot with a cartridge of _"Pink Passion"_ lipstick.

_**THE DIET CAN WAIT**_

Goren assembled all of the ingredients on the tray checking them off one at a time.

"Sliced peaches and banana. Vanilla ice cream. Chopped walnuts…no scrub that" he set aside the dish.

"Grated dark chocolate, whipped cream and…um" he paused for a moment and frowned.

"Oh yeah…mustn't forget those"

He got out the jar of cherries and set it on the tray. Picked it up, carried it down the hall and into the bedroom.

"Ready for dessert baby?" he asked.

"Question is Rob? Are you?" she replied with a look made him feel even more naked than he already was.

_**AN :**__** And it's none of your business how good the starter and main courses were…I have to spare Bobby's blushes occasionally**_


	7. Testosterone On The Cutting Room Floor

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them is motivated only by my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ These stories are not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretch the limits of that and totally suspend the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…of course you can go out with the guys tonight. I don't want any of them in the house for sure and maybe you can interest them in radishes)_

…_**dreading to think what happened on the cutting room floor when the guys got together…**_

_**DIFFERENT POSITIONS**_

"Bend forward more Eames. Better. Now get a firm grip"

"Like that?"

"Yeah but you need a harder push action back towards me"

"Aaargh" Alex shrieked.

"If you are going to scream when I put my hands between your legs let Mike play centre"

"I wanted to quarterback Bobby" she complained.

"You throw like a girl" he snapped wishing they never allowed women into the IPP _"Touch Football Competition"_

As he re-joined the guys Ross gasped. "That took brass ones Goren"

"Just a re-enforced protector" muttered Logan tapping his own groin. "With our partners we both wear one every day"

"_**YOU REALLY DON'T GET IT DO YOU?"**_

Goren and Logan stepped into a dark corner of the IPP garage.

"Was wondering if you two were coming" said Ross.

Bobby removed his jacket, rolled his sleeves and picked up a wrench. "Three lunchtime dental appointments in ten days and Eames is getting suspicious"

"Wheeler is starting to recommend specialists my sick Aunt should go see" added Logan turning his attention to a wheel. "We could just tell them"

"No!!!" the other two yelled.

"They'll laugh" said Ross

"Or worse. Want to join in" muttered Bobby.

Their entry for the annual NYPD _"Soapbox Derby"_ was really shaping up nicely.

**_DELIVER US_**

"I didn't bring him" snorted Stabler. "It was Logan's idea"

"Was not!"

McCoy kicked a stump. "If he doesn't lighten up I'm leaving"

"I'll drive you" muttered Ross. "Catches a ten pound trout and still bitches"

"Trout that size?" said Munch. "They put something in the water"

"Shut up!!" said Stabler and Tutuola.

"Calm down" said Cregan. "There must be a solution to the Mack Taylor problem"

All eyes turned to a silent Goren.

"Anyone bring a banjo?" he enquired.

Logan frowned. "Can you play?"

"No. We'll just hit him with it"

McCoy collected their cash. Then headed for town.

_**UNHOLY ALLIANCE**_

Ross stepped from his office with some paper in his hand.

"There's been a murder in mid town. Which of you are gonna take it?"

Logan and Goren gave each other a glance.

"Where?" asked Mike. 

"_The Eight Ball Pool Hall_"

They looked at each other again.

"Ohmygod!" shouted Bobby. "That's George Clooney out in the hall"

"And he's naked" added Mike.

As Eames and Wheeler dashed one way the two of them grabbed their jackets, the address from Ross and ran the other.

"Nice touch" said Bobby as they headed uptown. "The naked thing?"

"Thanks"

"Dollar a point?"

"Uhuh"

**_THE CONTEST_**

"Everyone understand the rules?" asked the judge.

"Just hurry up" scowled Mack Taylor impatiently.

"Bring…it…on" intoned Horatio Caine putting on his shades and feeling automatically for his gun.

Next to him John Munch and Gil Grissom rolled their eyes.

Bobby Goren fidgeted. "Anyone mind if I move to the end of the line? Me being left handed I mean?"

With general agreement he and Jethro Gibbs switched places.

Finn Tutuola flexed his fingers. So did Jack Malone.

"All very unhygienic" protested Adrian Monk.

"Shut up" snapped Elliot Stabler

(_Of course_ Bobby washed his hands before accepting the trophy)

_**AN :**__** Trouble with "boys night out" is they always come back thinking they're Don Juan or Casanova…for the three minutes before they fall asleep…**_


	8. Fluff On The Cutting Room Floor

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them is motivated only by my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ These stories are not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretch the limits of that and totally suspend the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…if you don't shut up about yams your water chestnuts will live to regret it)_

…_**fluff from the cutting room floor …**_

_**CONTENTMENT**_

She lay listening to Bobby's soft and regular breathing. Feeling the steady rise and fall of his chest pressed against her back as he slept.

Unable to sleep. Smelling the warm and heady mix of scents they'd left on each other and in the air during their lovemaking. Remembering his words two hours earlier as they washed the dishes.

"_I've been thinking. That…if you want…I should get two season tickets for Shea next spring? Together. Both in my name I mean. And maybe…the following season if we…things work out…a family ticket?"_

"Perfect" she whispered again.

_**PRIORITIES**_

"_To my friend Alex. I know that in recent weeks I've been very difficult to work with (I should say more difficult) and just to be around. You've known why, but I'm not sure that excuses me. I hope that these go a little way to thank you for your kindness, your support and your patience with me. From your friend Bobby"_

"Finished with the card sir?"

"Huh?" he focussed again. "Yes. This one. I messed up the others. Sorry"

"Don't worry" said the florist kindly. "I'll attach it to the bouquet for delivery later"

"Now about the funeral flowers…"

_**TOGETHER FOREVER**_

Alex fussed his tie, the buttonhole and picked imaginary lint from Bobby's jacket.

"Will I do?" he asked.

"Of course"

"You look great Alex. Beautiful. I should have said sooner" he was wringing his hands anxiously.

"Thank you Bobby" she kissed his cheek. Carefully. Not to leave lipstick. "You ready to go do this?"

"Yes I am" he said softly but firmly. "Got the rings?"

"For the fifth time yes" Alex muttered. "What's the proper name for a female best man anyway?"

"I don't know" Bobby frowned.

She laughed. "How many years have I waited to hear you say that?"

_**DOUBLE CELEBRATION**_

Eames grinned. "Expected you to be late today Bobby. Getting an early Valentine's Day present?"

"Kind of" he blushed. "Happy Valentines"

Goren handed her the card she'd not really expected this year. She passed Bobby the one she got in case they continued their tradition of exchanging them.

"Thanks Bobby. Hope you remembered you've got a wife as well?"

"I did. Thanks Alex. She forgot"

"Very funny. You've only been married two months"

"Still didn't get a Valentine's card"

"Saving it for later probably"

"Here"

She opened the card he passed and frowned.

"Happy Father's Day? Oh wonderful! Congratulations Bobby!"

_**HOLD ME**_

"Long time since we did this Bobby"

"We were always good together Alex" he said softly and persuasively taking her hand.

"I know"

He'd convinced her again with a look.

She was left as she always was by Bobby. Sweat damp, breathless and with her head spinning. Flawless rhythms, wonderful body action and he kept her in time with him by just the occasional pelvic nudge.

As to those positions he slipped into, held so well with perfect balance and moulding her tight against him every time? Alex blushed to recall some of them.

Pity it was only the merengue.

_**AN:**__** I'm exhausted…Bobby can't seem to get enough celeriac these days…**_


	9. Tyre Marks On The Cutting Room Floor

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them is motivated only by my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ These stories are not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretch the limits of that and totally suspend the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…forget turmeric…I was hoping for some tumescence tonight)_

…_**skidding to a halt on the cutting room floor…**_

_**THE GIFT**_

Bobby studied the new folder.

"Thank you Alex" he said quietly.

She glanced at him awkwardly. "Can we forget the whole incident now Bobby?"

"I guess so" he replied.

Eames might have been right to pursue the suspect through the city. But ending with the SUV sliding out of control onto the ice rink in Central Park had been unexpected. Not her fault either the President was there, the Secret Service heavily armed and trigger-happy. But it was sheer luck his old case had been in the right place for the vital male organ a bullet-proof vest did not protect.

_**EMERGENCY**_

"Faster Eames" begged Bobby.

"I'm doing my best Goren" she muttered. "Don't worry I'll get you there"

He shifted impatiently, wriggled and then reached out his hand.

To flick on the SUV's lights and siren as it took a corner on two wheels. They survived three junctions on red before the final turn into the parking lot.

The tyres lost more rubber as the vehicle came to a halt in a blue haze. Goren bailed out immediately and ran off.

Seeing the length of the lines, Eames reached for _Cosmo_. Same every year when _Subway Series_ tickets went on sale.

_**DOUBLE DATE ?**_

"Get in the back Bobby" 

"But Eames…"

"Just do as you're told. When we get to the drive in Liv wants to be able see the movie"

"Give me the keys Elliot" barked Benson.

"But I..."

"Don't argue. And behave back there you two"

Stabler and Goren gave each other a resigned shrug as they got in the rear of the SUV, then sat in sulky silence all the way there.

Two hours later, with the credits rolling, Alex and Olivia sniffed and sang along.

"…_had the time of my life…"_

It drowned out the sound of snoring behind them.

_**BOYS AND THEIR TOYS**_

Eames shrieked softly. "It that what I think it is Goren? A Lamborghini Murcielago?"

"Like the colour?"

"Yellow would suit you" she breathed. "6.2 or 6.5 litre?"

"6.5. Zero to sixty in 3.4 seconds. Longitudinally mounted V12"

"Stop! You're getting me hot. I can almost smell new leather"

"So if I said 633 brake horse power and 487 pounds of torque?"

"Embarrassed to tell you or you'll be giving me a lecture on penis envy"

"A little green myself right now" Goren shrugged.

Alex laughed then frowned. "Better put that magazine away and look very busy Bobby. The Captain's coming"

_**DOUBLE DATE 2**_

"Wake up Elliot!" shouted Benson.

"Uh?"

"You fell asleep"

"Didn't. She's carrying watermelons and…" he glanced at the blank screen "Oh. What happened?"

Alex turned "Johnny taught her to dance"

"That's a surprise" Stabler muttered.

"And we caught the peeper has been exposing himself at drive ins. Why we came here?" Olivia reminded him. "Probably while Swayze was taking his shirt off. You were mumbling _I'm too tired _to Bobby"

Elliot blushed. "So you saw the movie before?"

"Once or twice" said Eames before yelling "Rise and shine Goren!"

Bobby woke with a start, spilling his bucket of popcorn everywhere.

_**AN:**__**That's all for now…Bobby wants to show me his giant wapatoo…**_


	10. Dirt On The Cutting Room Floor

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them is motivated only by my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ These stories are not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretch the limits of that and totally suspend the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…if I'm honest? Yes I am getting tired of how much time you are spending in that vegetable garden…and a little jealous of the Jerusalem artichokes) _

…_**muck and some mess ups on the cutting room floor…**_

_**OH…HOW WE ALL WISH**_

"Eames?" he said quietly. "I need to go to the bathroom"

"Don't leave me Bobby"

"I know you say you're scared of flying but I won't be long"

"Can't you use the sick bag?"

"That would be difficult with your head between my knees" he muttered.

"I could…"

"No you couldn't. And take your hands from round the back of my neck so I can stand up"

Reluctantly Alex let go.

In the airplane bathroom Goren made a mental note to double-check that emergency instruction leaflet himself. LA was a long flight and they were getting some strange looks.

_**WHEN BOBBY MET LEXY**_

"And I'll have the meatballs" said Bobby to the waitress.

Alex glanced round _Katz's Diner_. "Can't believe you booked this table Bobby. Thanks again"

"My treat"

She grinned impishly. "So should I? You know?"

"I'd rather you didn't" he muttered.

"_Oh yes! Yes!! Aaah!! Oh yes!!!_" she hissed over the table at him.

"Pity you were not so quiet and considerate last month at the conference up in Albany" Bobby said casually. "When the person in the next room…like me…was trying to get some sleep?"

"Oh heck!"

"That's one thing I didn't hear" he laughed. "Happy birthday Alex"

_**SQUEAMISH**_

Bobby pulled on the theatre scrubs and set the surgeon's cap on. Two pairs of gloves, a mask and he was ready.

Alex glanced up.

"For a man pokes around a bloody corpse once a week and often eats his lunch in autopsy aren't you being a bit extreme?"

He said nothing.

"You've sliced your hand open to make a point, juggled a tray of lethal viruses and a hundred other crazy and gruesome things since I knew you Bobby"

Eames stood up and thrust her nephew into his arms.

"It's one poopy diaper Goren. I'll go get us pizza"

_**HEADLESS IN HOBOKEN**_

Bobby swallowed hard as he looked at the head he held in his hand. Across the room the child was screaming. Her mother rushed to comfort her.

"Shit" muttered his partner with a tone of disgust. "I can't believe you did that"

"It was…um…an accident" he protested trying to get _Barbie's _head back on her body.

"Don't worry" said the woman above the wails "It's loose"

"Give it to me Bobby!" snapped Eames. "Perhaps this will finally teach you to leave other people's things alone. Go wait in the car"

"But…"

"Now Robert!"

He startled at that. "Yes Mom…I mean…Eames"

_**EQUUS**_

At the riding school Eames stopped to pat a grey horse.

"It's okay Goren. She's very gentle"

He leaned sideways. "She is a he"

"Whatever" she stroked the nose. "I never expected you to be scared of horses"

"I'm not scared" Bobby muttered. "Just respectful of things with more legs and bigger…um…teeth than me"

"Give him a pat then"

"No. What is it about women and horses anyway?"

"Thought you would know. Some stallion between the thighs fantasy we are born with? So I heard"

"Shit"

"Embarrassed you did I Goren?"

"No" he snapped. "Just trod in some"

_**AN:**__** I did warn you about the muck…sob…Bobby uses it now on his Jerusalem artichokes…they are very impressive…sniff…another woman would be sooo much easier to compete with…they'd never find the body either…**_


	11. Fallen On The Cutting Room Floor

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them is motivated only by my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ These stories are not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretch the limits of that and totally suspend the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…no sweet cheeks I have no idea what could possibly have killed all your Jerusalem artichokes)_

…_**these were thrown…I mean… fell accidentally on the cutting room floor**_

_**A GIFT WORTH WAITING FOR?**_

"Well?" asked Benson impatiently as her friend sat down at the lunchroom table.

"A dozen long stemmed red roses, the DVD of _"Love Story"_, a six pound box of cherry creams and reservations for dinner at _La Scala_ tomorrow night" said Eames. "After the carriage ride round the park"

"Wow!" breathed Olivia. "Happy birthday to you girl! Better get yourself a whole body wax by the sound of things" she winked. "After all these years with Goren too"

She finally paused. "So why the face like a slapped butt?"

"That was from Logan" Alex muttered. "Bobby got me a cookbook"

_**BREAK**_

The Squad Room was almost empty at lunchtime as Deakins walked through. Then stopped.

"Bobby? Does all this gear on Alex's desk belong to her?"

He gestured to cuffs, gun, spare clip, nightstick, mace spray, pocket-knife, scissors, nail file and a pair of tweezers.

"Yeah" Goren replied looking up from his book "Made her leave them behind before she went out"

"Why?" frowned his boss. "Where was she going?"

"_Bloomingdales'_ sale"

"Good work Goren. Don't want a repeat of last year's nasty incident"

"Thanks Captain"

Bobby reached for his BLT and returned to his current reading. _"Tantric Sex For Dummies"_

_**SELF CONTROL**_

As she got in beside him Alex could see Bobby was anxious and uncertain.

"I know it's been a while for you" she said kindly. "But we'll just take things gently. Okay?"

He chewed his lip. "Thanks. I just…I just hope…I won't spoil everything between us"

"You won't. You'll be fine" she pushed something into his hand. "You'll need this Bobby"

"I'm sorry" he said twenty minutes later. "I was too quick for you wasn't I?"

"Yes" Eames snapped, her heart racing and certain her stomach was a hundred blocks behind them. "Hand back that car key! Right now Goren!"

_**FICTIONAL PARADOX**_

Wrists and ankles bound so he was tied helplessly to the bed, Goren knew he was in trouble. When Eames came through the door his hopes of rescue rose.

Until he realised she was wearing only miniscule black lace underwear and carrying a carton of chocolate ice cream. She studied the thin sheet covering his nakedness with lip licking anticipation.

As she took hold of it Goren knew only two things could save him now. That this was a hundred word _Drabble_ and _Clueless_ was writing it.

Bobby woke. Alone and tangled in the bedclothes. No sign of ice cream.

_**AN:**__** I must go…now he's spending less time in his raised vegetable beds Bobby has re-discovered the other kind…**_


	12. Amnesia On The Cutting Room Floor

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them is motivated only by my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ These stories are not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretch the limits of that and totally suspend the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

**_(And yeah…um…what was your name again…I know the proper word for that is…er…no don't tell me I'll get it in a minute…)_**

…_**there might be a theme to these cutting room floor moments…**_

_**ENTHUSIASM**_

Back at 1PP Eames gave Deakins and Carver the full report of their findings and leads they wanted to follow up. Dealing with every question easily, getting their support to apply for Leman's telephone records and a search warrant. For that basement room he was so uncomfortable about whenever they went anywhere near it.

"Good work Alex" said the Captain. "Leman seems very suspect. Which just leaves one question?"

"Full forensics this afternoon Captain" she smartly.

"That wasn't it Eames" he shrugged. "Where's Goren?"

"Oh shit" she muttered realising Bobby had been very quiet on the drive back from Westchester.

_**DID WE?**_

Wearing his overcoat over his _Riddler_ costume Bobby snuck into the Squad Room early the morning after the party. Hoping to get the key for his locker where he kept spare clothes and get changed before anyone noticed.

As his hand touched his desk drawer Eames' disembodied voice yawned, "Someone got lucky last night then Goren?"

He jumped, frowned then peered beneath their desks. She was there under a bundle of blankets.

"At least I slept in a bed last night Hiawatha" he muttered as the blankets moved and another head emerged. "Holy hangover Batman. Morning Logan"

"Aaaaaaargh" screamed Eames.

_**AMNESIA**_

Eames watched Goren in the rear view. Gently settling the sleeping baby in the car seat, carefully fastening the straps and softly kissing one of the wispy dark curls.

He got into the front, put Naomi's bottle in the cup holder and after a frown of mild hesitation, the dirty diaper bag went into the glove box. Eames started the SUV. His folder was in his lap and he was shoving a pacifier in his pocket.

He glanced over. "There's…um…something I've been meaning to tell you Alex…er…for some time"

"And _Take Your Daughter To Work Day_ has reminded you?"

"Uhuh"

_**YOU REMEMBERED!**_

As he got supper Bobby was rather hurt. He supposed these things shouldn't matter but his partner had not said a word, not even hinted all day. Work was hectic right now but it wasn't like he ever forgot.

There was a knock at the door and when he opened it, two women stood there. A tall brunette and a leggy redhead. Though it was what they were _not _wearing he paid more attention to.

"I think you got the wrong place" he said.

The brunette handed him a card.

It read. _"Happy Birthday Bobby. Love Alex"_

"This way ladies"

_**THE FINAL STRAW**_

"How could you Goren?" snapped Eames. "After all the things we've done and been through?"

He raised his hands. "I'm sorry and…"

"Sorry doesn't cut it anymore. I had it up to here with things you do. And after I've stood by you when other partners would have walked long ago"

"But I…"

"I don't want to hear your excuses either" she stormed away out of the Squad Room.

There was silence as people glanced uncomfortably at him and each other.

"Shit" murmured Logan from his desk. "What the hell did you do Bobby?"

"Forgot the mustard on her hotdog"

_**AN :**__** …nah still can't remember what it is…**_


	13. Notes On The Cutting Room Floor

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them is motivated only by my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ These stories are not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretch the limits of that and totally suspend the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron...now quit doing that or I will tell them what foolish things remind me of you)_

_**These are a few musical notes from The Cutting Room Floor...**_

_**Loving You Forever**_

It was dark and they had been on stakeout in the woods for hours. The serial killer of cops had been on the loose for three months.

Goren opened the door of the SUV quietly.

"Bobby!" yelped Logan. "Don't go. Let's stay together"

"Excuse me?"

"Whether times are good are bad, happy or sad let's stay together"

Goren sighed "I need a pee and while this might come as breaking news, I can manage that on my own"

He ducked behind a tree, before deciding a larger one might be necessary. Little did Goren know Logan wasn't scared.

Just disappointed.

_**From the Bottom Of My Heart**_

As Bobby set down the bags and kicked the door shut, his cell phone rang.

"Shit" he hissed angrily.

Then, opening the phone snapped "Goren"

"_It's Alex"_

"And?" he asked impatiently

"_I just called to say I love you, I just called to say how much I care"_

"Little late for that Eames" he muttered.

"_I guess so" _

In New York her lips trembled as he cut off the call.

Bobby threw the cell into the blue reaches of the Caribbean, then locked the door of _The Honeymoon Suite._ And turned more than his undivided attention to the other occupant.

_**Somewhere...**_

Goren's voice trembled a little. "It's dark and I'm getting afraid. We're lost. Which way now?"

"Don't be scared and it's easy. Remember? Follow the yellow brick road!"

Logan skipped off warbling "Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road"

The tail of Goren's lion costume twitched.

Mike was still struggling a little with the high heels and the falsetto was terrifying at times. But he was turning into a far more convincing Dorothy than Elliot Stabler ever made.

And at least Goren didn't have to endure all that itchy straw like he had to in last year's production.

_**You Know What I Mean**_

The day Goren turned up to work in a suit and tie but no shirt, Eames resisted asking until almost noon.

Wished she hadn't as he stood up.

"I'm too sexy for my shirt Eames. Too sexy. Too sexy for Milan, New York and Japan"

It got worse as her partner began to walk through the _Squad Room_ declaring "I'm a model on the catwalk and I shake my little tush along the catwalk"

As Bobby demonstrated Eames would have to admit she enjoyed that part.

A lot.

But sincerely regretted ever getting him _"pole dancing lessons"_ for his birthday.

_**The Dixieland Beat**_

Goren looked tanned as he sat down at his desk.

"Where did you go on vacation Bobby?" enquired Eames.

"Where magnolia blossoms fill the air, you ain't been to heaven till you've been down there, way down the Mississippi down to New Orleans. Where every southern belle is a Mississippi queen and love is..."

"Shut up!" she yelled not wanting to hear anything of his sexual adventures south of the Mason Dixon.

"Strolling along Basin Street..." he trailed off as Eames ran off.

Probably wouldn't want to know that's where he met Honeysuckle. Did more than cling like a vine.

_**AN:**__ I forgave Bobby the cigarette that bears a lipstick's traces...when I remembered it was mine...and he showed me the airline tickets to a romantic place._


	14. More Notes On The Cutting Room Floor

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them is motivated only by my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ These stories are not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretch the limits of that and totally suspend the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron...how can you say you'll do anything for love when you won't do _that_...)_

_**Some more musical notes from The Cutting Room Floor...**_

_**Temptation**_

Goren fidgeted slightly. Glanced across their desks at his partner.

Almost did it. But then thought better of it.

Eames was aware of what was happening. Saw her partner's hand reach out a little.

Before he resisted temptation. She let him suffer for five more minutes.

"Go on Bobby" muttered Eames. "Take it. Take another little piece of my heart. Break it. Have another little piece of my heart if it makes you feel good"

"Thanks Eames!"

He took a chunk of her Valentine's chocolate novelty and ate it.

Too bad she was the one on a diet this week.

_**Confession**_

"This is difficult Bobby"

"Try me Alex"

"It's just...I don't want to compete with you or mistreat you. I don't want to simplify you or classify you. All I really want to do is..."

"Go on" he encouraged her.

"I don't want to drag you down or chain you down..."

Alex paused thinking maybe he would enjoy that. But when she looked up there was no hint of disappointment on his face.

"I don't want to analyse you or mystify you...all I really wanna to do is...Bobby...be friends with you"

"They all say that" growled Goren.

_**Regret**_

Goren wished they never got onto the subject of _"first love"._

But stakeout duty was dull and he half listened to his partner droning on about Billy Ray. Son of the local preacher apparently.

He'd stifled a yawn at how they looked into each other's eyes and blinked rapidly at the thought of them comparing how much they'd grown. Not with shock. He'd done that too. With Susan Green. It was to stay awake.

"Billy Ray was the only one who could ever reach me, ever teach me.....Goren?......Are you asleep?"

A snore was the only sound Stabler heard.

_**Disappointment**_

Eames stood by the window looking out. "Hey Bobby! it's snowing"

He did not look up from the file he was reading. "Really?"

"Hard. Turning into a real winter wonderland"

"Uhuh"

"In the lane snow is glistening"

"So?"

"We could built a snowman in the Plaza"

"Hmm"

"We could pretend he's the chaplain, he'll ask us if we are married and we'll say...."

She turned at the sound of the door slamming. The next sound she heard was not sleigh bells but the engine of Bobby's car roaring to life.

Eames watched as it fishtailed out of the parking lot.

_**Revelation**_

"You really went and did it this time!" yelled Ross.

Goren had the grace to look bashful.

Almost.

"She was confessing" he murmured.

"Oh yes Maria was nonstop. Credit where it's due. You got her to talk. How she killed her husband, minced him into shreds and then served him lightly fried with tortilla bread at her restaurant"

"And guacamole dip"

"Forget the side dishes Goren. What I want to know is why you said and I quote..._Maria shut up and kiss me, you're crazy and it turns me on_"

"Um...because it did?"

_(Don't faint. Ross did. Got a concussion)_

_**AN:**__ Mwahahahaa..._


	15. A Year On The Cutting Room Floor

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them is motivated only by my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ These stories are not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretch the limits of that and totally suspend the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…and you can forget any idea of me falling back later…no matter how forward your "spring" is)So what did Bobby and Alex get up to since the last 4th July…

_**MON BEAU SAPIN**_

It took three men to wrestle the tree into her apartment and Eames started to doubt whether it was such a bargain after all. They had to cut a foot off it so it didn't touch the ceiling.

Only when she unpacked all the lights and decorations did she remember she'd loaned her stepladders to the Johnson's last month. And they were still away in Europe. Nor could she reach the top standing on a chair.

She quickly thought the situation through. Eames picked up the phone. Things might have been worse. Her partner could have been a short guy.

"_**NO THANKS" GIVING**_

The pumpkin pie Bobby took to Alex's place for Thanksgiving was a total disaster. Revolting, embarrassing and he'd had to pay for carpet cleaning where other guests spat it out.

His reputation as a cook was in ruins. His own fault for making it when he was worse for a few drinks. Though it might have been more than a few.

It was the only explanation for how he got the pumpkin puree muddled up with the other sort. Bobby still had not worked out, even sober, how he had buttered parsnip puree in the icebox in the first place.

**_THE LANTERNS_**

Bobby knew six pm on 31st October was leaving it late to go buy a pumpkin. And he was right. All the nearby stores were sold out.

For a right-brained guy like him though the solution came easily. At home he quickly got to work with a knife and would have been finished sooner but for _"a slight accident"_ a band-aid solved.

But by 7.30 his alternative lanterns sat on his window ledge. His neighbours all thought they were _"cute"_ and asked him to make them some next year.

And there was a bonus. Fresh grapefruit juice in the morning.

_**PERFECT COMBINATIONS**_

Alex loved having Bobby as a partner. Especially at Easter time.

With him at her side they were guaranteed to find the most eggs in the _"IPP Egg Hunt"_. Bobby could work out exactly the best hiding spots. He could see without ladders into the most obscure places. And reach them with those long arms.

Not only that, she only had to say _"PMT" _at the end for Bobby to understand. And hand over his share of their haul.

Alex stopped eating chocolate and smiled. Remembering the rabbit Goren gave her for her birthday last week. The best Easter. Ever.

_**LOVE LIFT US UP**_

Having to put on the uniform and help with crowd control on 4th July sucked. Alex stood her side of the procession line and letting her mind wander. To Bobby on the other side of the street.

_How much better he would look if the uniform were white. Even better if he crossed the road, picked her up and carried her away from all this. Perfect if her fellow officer turned out not to be too much of a gentleman._

She was starting to feel strangely hot and sweaty. Almost grateful for the coke got accidentally spilled down her back.

_**AN: **__** Now is the winter of our discontent, made glorious season by this son of New York… **_


	16. Trash On The Cutting Room Floor

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them is motivated only by my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ These stories are not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretch the limits of that and totally suspend the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…you got WHAT pierced?!?!?!)_

_**Here's five pieces of litter I found on The Cutting Room Floor**_

_**Eeekurgh**_

With a loud protest from the springs like _"kerdunk", _Bobby suddenly changed his pace.

To a slower, firmer and more deliberate one. The only sounds Alex could hear were the insistent _"eek"_ of the springs and the occasional one from him.

That mix of soft grunt and low moan guys make.

One that signifies satisfaction, modest exertion and not a little effort to exercise some self control. The _"eek"_ and his _"urgh"_ alternating in an unbroken rhythm as Bobby's body went up and down.

Then Alex yelled out.

"Bobby! Get off my nephew's trampoline right now! Before you break it!"

_**Carried Away**_

Bobby had swept her off her feet. Quite literally. One hand full of her ass and another at her waist as he picked her up and carried her.

Alex enjoyed the scent of his cologne, the heat from his body and fought temptation.

To stroke the hair at the back of his neck or take a nibble of his ear. Stuck to digging her fingernails gently into his broad back.

Bobby did his best not to sound breathless as they reached their destination.

Fervently praying she'd never come to the _1PP Fancy Dress Party_ as "The Little Mermaid" ever again.

_**The Right Man For The Job**_

It was the worst scene he had ever been to. Goren took off his jacket, tie and rolled his sleeves. Trying not to breathe in the acrid and putrid smells.

Coming from the glutinous mass showed signs of rodent activity and incinerated..._well he didn't like to think about what it was._ In places bacteria had gotten hold. Creating velvety mounds of blue, green and grey. Goren gagged.

Eames popped another chocolate in her mouth, her feet onto the sofa and flicked the remote.

"_Mr Big"_ might be really hot but he would never clean her stove as well as Bobby.

_**Grand Theft Auto 6047: Criminal Intent**_

Goren used a brick to break a window and some metal to release the locks. Once inside the vehicle, brute force popped the facia of the dash and allowed him to expose the spaghetti of multi coloured wires.

He used his flick knife to cut several and strip the insulation. Muttering _"Red and orange?"_ he joined those and only succeeded in setting off the blues and twos.

After several colour combinations the SUV started, but only with the siren.

"Can't you fix that?" shouted Eames as she drove away.

"Can't you remember where you left the keys?" he yelled back.

_**On The Rocks**_

Eames lay listening for any sound from the next room. She was suspicious about the way Goren was flirting with that redhead in their seminar group earlier.

Then, hearing what had to be his door closing, she sprang from her bed. Grabbed her robe and rushed into the hall.

In time to see an incredible sight.

Goren naked as a jaybird walking towards her.

He whipped the full ice bucket to a strategic place with a yelp and a blush went halfway to his nipples.

"You need a bigger bucket" Eames sniggered, realising not all urban legends are just that.

_**AN:**__** Eames later discovered a problem with ice...it makes swelling go down...cough...**_


	17. Bodies On The Cutting Room Floor

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them is motivated only by my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ These stories are not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretch the limits of that and totally suspend the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…what do you mean you ran out of clean underwear...take mine off right now)_

Ever wondered how many ideas the producers rejected before they settled on Bishop????

**BODIES ON THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR**

**_In The UK "Mentalist" Is A Mean Word For Someone With A Psychiatric Condition._**

About to go into the interview room, Goren's new partner stopped him.

"Try to get hold of her hand or wrist. See if the pulse rate rises. Sign of lying you know"

"I know"

"Watch her eyes. If she looks to the right she's inventing and..."

"I know" Goren hissed.

"Watch the blink rate. That can..."

"Yes" snapped Goren wondering when this idiot would try to teach him to suck eggs.

"Then there's a tell. That's..."

"I know"

Bad enough this guy was blond and had a girl's name.

The worst thing?

The other guys were now calling him "Tarzan"

**_Caine And More Able_**

Goren and his partner looked at the victim.

"We'll get this guy" murmured the new guy.

"That was a bold thing to say" observed Goren.

"I don't think so"

"Where do we start?"

"You tell me buddy"

Goren rolled his eyes. "Let's interview the co-workers while the lab is..."

"If you say so"

"...analysing the...ouch..."

Goren grabbed his ribs and said "And move a pace away before you stroke that gun next time"

"I can't stop myself"

"Can you utter a sentence longer than four words?"

"Don't know. Never tried".

Whatever Goren's own problems, being ginger wasn't one of them.

**_The Halls Of Montezuma._**

His delight that his temporary partner was a former Marine lasted less than a day. As they drove towards Brooklyn, Goren observed

"The son had motive"

"Ya think"

"His wife knew about his affair. Could be her"

"Ya think"

"The sister majored in chemistry. She'd know about poisons"

"Ya think"

Goren ground his teeth.

"We could ask for DNA samples"

"Ya think"

"Red Sox have to be favourites for the World Series"

"Ya think"

The next sound was of a loud splash under the Brooklyn Bridge.

With luck, tides would take Gibbs all the way to the shores of Tripoli.

**_Screw Archimedes_**

"I'll need more data"

"Naturally" muttered Goren who was losing patience with his geeky new partner.

"Then I can calculate the mean size or I'll go for surface area, that's four times pi radius squared. Or volume based on Calvieri's principle of the proportionality of a circumscribed cylinder. I'm sure Googlian geometry is the basis for calculating the algorithm"

Epps began to write on the walls in crayon.

"What is he doing now?" sighed Deakins

"I only asked my chances of picking the doughnut with the most jelly" shrugged Goren.

He licked his fingers and reached again for the box.

**_The Hound Of The Bobbyvilles_**

"The game is afoot my dear Goren"

"Indeed it is"

Goren wished the tweed pants were not making his groin so itchy on a hot day, nor the starched collar cutting his neck.

"You should bring your revolver" advised his companion reaching for his cane.

"It's an automatic pistol"

"I forget. The only Glock in my day was a glockenspiel"

"You got the map?"

"I have. Observe the water marks..."

"Rare notepaper?"

"I'd say the East River. Written by someone missing a finger on his right hand"

"No shit Sherlock"

Goren knew he sounded nothing like Eames at that moment.

_**AN:**_ _If you did not like any of these...look on the bright side...I could have had Bobby sucking lollipops or wearing pink padded shoulders and a mullet _


	18. Tied To THe Cutting Room Floor

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them is motivated only by my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ These stories are not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretch the limits of that and totally suspend the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron...the candlelit dinner was lovely but could y'all remember to pay the power bill next time)_

**Had to do a long drive the other day and the only CD I could find in the car was an 80's compilation....**

**TIED TO THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR**

_**Do What You've Got To Do**_

"Goren? Show me how you think this perp bound his victim"

"You sure Captain?" he hesitated with a glance round the empty squad room.

"Positive"

Ten minutes, a set of cuffs, red silken cord and some extra sticky duct tape later, Ross was trussed on his office floor. With items of furniture acting as anchor points.

Both were breathing hard but Goren had the excuse of moving the filing cabinet.

"Oh Bobby don't leave me this way...my heart...come on down and satisfy the need in me...only your good loving can set me free"

Goren left.

Very rapidly.

_(__**AN: **__I realise not everyone will be familiar with The Communards)_

_**Wild And Wired**_

Through the thin wall Eames could hear the woman's voice urging "Come to me, come to me".

She sighed with irritation as after some giggling from next door they began to give the mattress a work out.

Between some squeaks and creaks the lady was urging "Oh baby! Don't let go"

Eames wished he would so she could get some sleep. But no luck as a drumming sound hinted the bed might come through the partition.

"Oh!" yelled the lady "Simply the best...yes!..better than all the rest"

Eames was going to give her partner hell in the morning.

_**My Name Is Michael**_

Logan was so early that the Squad Room was still empty. Investigating the sound from Ross's office, he was both shocked and amused to find their Captain bound with some very professional knots to his desk and handcuffed to a radiator.

"Don't leave me in this jam Mickey" he begged.

Logan wondered who might have moved that heavy file cabinet and why Ross had started to pant.

"Oooh Mickey, you're so fine" breathed Ross "Come on and give it to me any way you can...anyway you want to and...I'll take it like a man"

Logan left.

Very rapidly.

_**I'll Climb Any Mountain**_

"I've got something to tell you Goren"

"Yeah?"

"I've got something to say"

"So?"

"Can I touch you?"

"Rather you didn't"

"Can I hold you?"

Goren chocked on his coffee. A week of stakeout duty confined in the back of a truck wasn't his idea of fun. But it was having alarming effects on his partner.

"You can give me love in the old fashioned way" Eames offered

"No thanks"

"I'm gonna make you stand and deliver" she clarified

"Not with my bad back you won't" he yelped

Goren got going. As fast as his size thirteens would carry him.

_**Kevin Bacon Is Yummy**_

Eames had doubted the wisdom of asking Goren to give them dance lessons before the Mayoral Ball. It started off okay with the instruction to _"kick off your Sunday shoes"_ but then he became a tyrant.

Yelling "Milo, c'mon c'mon let's go!" to one breathless detective.

Logan resented the sarcasm of "You put your feet on the ground!".

McCoy being told "Jack! Get back!" was a relief to Wheeler fed up with feeling more than his legal briefs he was that close.

But if he told her again to keep her foot loose, Eames would lose one up his ass.

_**(AN: **__Bobby is sulking...is it my fault Kevin Bacon & Tommy Lee Jones are hot...or that they both got bigger parts and fewer clothes in "JFK"?)_


	19. Stains On The Cutting Room Floor

_**Disclaimer:**____All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them is motivated only by my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ These stories are not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretch the limits of that and totally suspend the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron...see...I told you we could do it...I'll take you to the chiropractor in the morning)_

**STAINS ON THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR**

_**SHORTS**_

"I don't think this is a good idea Eames"

"Stop being such a wuss Goren"

Eames glanced over. He was sitting with his eyes closed. Had never done that before. And squeaked in fearful anticipation as they rounded another corner.

"I think I'm gonna be sick" Goren groaned as their speed increased.

Her eyes rolled "Just make sure you don't do it on me"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh"

Goren screamed the rest of the way. Then threw up. On his own shoes.

Helping him away from _"The Ride of Doom" _Eames wished she had a smaller partner. Or been able to park closer.

_**SHEETS**_

"Start at the top" Eames advised the victim of a mugging.

"Last night I went to a bar, she was there. Dark, long and tall. We danced. She was really light on her feet. I looked in her eyes...she offered to...forget that. We went up to her room"

"First mistake" muttered Eames.

"The party was getting started downstairs, people were singing. We were...things were getting hot"

"I get the picture"

"Then just as I...um...she smiled, pulled out a knife and said_ your money or your life"_

"If you're expecting sympathy Goren you can forget it"

_AN :____Inspired by "Last Night" : The Travelling Wilburys_

_**TABLE**_

Goren looked at her with momentary indecision.

Then, with a touch that was light, he steered Eames to the table. The instruction to _"turn around"_ came as no great surprise. Two hands briefly on her hips as he got her into the position he wanted her. His hand ran down her left arm. She could feel his breath hot on her neck as his fingers spread hers.

"Keep it there"

She was tempted to beg him to do the same as his groin briefly pressed against her butt.

_How much longer before Goren realised she had played pool many times?_

_**BENCH**_

"Did you take her property?"

Goren shuffled his feet "Um..."

"_Um_ is not an answer. Did you take them?"

"Yes I did"

"And he ate some" Eames added.

"Do I look like I need your help?" glared their interrogator. "Defendant will replace the _Skittles _within five days. Now to Goren's counterclaim. Is his statement correct?"

"Kind of...but I thought we were in a relationship and he..."

"Quiet! Relationships are for _Dr Phil_. Did you break it?"

"Yes" muttered Eames.

"So buy him a new Santa mug. Goodbye. Have a nice life"

Ross grinned. _Judge Judy's_ tips were paying off.

_**REPORT**_

Goren bit his lip to stop himself crying out with the pain. His eyelids tight shut; he nursed the injury with his right hand for a few moments. Then steeled himself to look. He opened his eyes. It was worse than he thought.

A bead of bright red was starting to well from the sore and stinging wound.

A sound of distress escaped his lips before he could stop himself. There was no way to hide it from Eames now.

"I think you need to get the _First Aid_ bag" he said bravely.

"For a paper cut?" scoffed his partner.

**AN: **_Bobby will need three more appointments...is it my fault he's not as flexible as he once was...and it wasn't me bought that copy of the _Karma Sutra_ in the first place._


End file.
